#76

anything that goes without close examination fails to improve. i understand why people don't look at their lives more closely. of course we all make excuses- for our behavior, for our girlfriend's behavior, for our reasons for doing (or not doing) a multitude of things.
but now i'm in my 50's and i can't see a singe significant way i've improved my life. not to say my life hasn't gotten any better. it's actually been a really good run.
but have i changed my mind about a single thing? have my views molded or changed in any way? have i decided to start listening to the people closest to me?
none of those things.
i've always been okay with helping others. looking at their lives and offering advice. and they take and swallow and digest and process.... and their lives grow and evolve. i take credit and then fail to do any of those things for myself.
so now i'm in my 50's and for thirty years i've been married (happily?) to a girl i was never fully in love with, who lied over and over to get me to stay, so i did; i've never resolved my sins with God, and from the outside, everyone thinks i have a fairy tale life.
lies have carried me far. introspection will ruin me.