#76

anything that goes without close examination fails to improve. i understand why people don't look at their lives more closely. of course we all make excuses- for our behavior, for our girlfriend's behavior, for our reasons for doing (or not doing) a multitude of things.
but now i'm in my 50's and i can't see a singe significant way i've improved my life. not to say my life hasn't gotten any better. it's actually been a really good run.
but have i changed my mind about a single thing? have my views molded or changed in any way? have i decided to start listening to the people closest to me?
none of those things.
i've always been okay with helping others. looking at their lives and offering advice. and they take and swallow and digest and process.... and their lives grow and evolve. i take credit and then fail to do any of those things for myself.
so now i'm in my 50's and for thirty years i've been married (happily?) to a girl i was never fully in love with, who lied over and over to get me to stay, so i did; i've never resolved my sins with God, and from the outside, everyone thinks i have a fairy tale life.
lies have carried me far. introspection will ruin me.

#75

look up! he would say. and she would gaze at the sky, her long hair cascading back, pressuring and pinching her neck. but she kept looking.
i just didn't want you to miss it. and he would smile her way, fishing for her hand with his own.

each time she gasped over what she saw. that cloud looks like the tree in the backyard! or i'm getting vertigo just trying to look at that building! it's so tall!

he was always making her look, reminding her to see everything, to take it in and remember it, to snap pictures of every movement and create flipbook in her mind, full of photo stills that came to life.

look up! he would say. and he would smile, then look up with her, the glint of the sun catching in the cataracts of his once chocolate brown eyes.

#74

before she knew it, she was laughing. it started as a lilting, feminine laugh. the kind that is real, but inhibited. then it kept going.
she was aware of herself, which is uncommon. most laugh who laugh without reserve are doing so without intention.
the tears about to pour over her eyes, her face and lips stretched wide, wider, widest, her nose growing pink, then red; she was acutely aware of it all.
the inhibitions fell away to reveal strong laugh, accentuated by a gasping for breath, failure of her body to retain its aforementioned composure.
she allowed it.
she allowed herself to ache happily.
inhibitions and composure be damned.

#73

day in, day out, 6:50am and 6pm, the same commute, the same rickety, dirty train, familiar, bored faces of the same strangers.
she was going to talk to him, she was! his stop was only 2 before hers, and sure, why not find an excuse to get off?
her notebook was full of their life together. the things they'd done. well, of course, once she gained the courage to find out his name.

page one: we took our first road trip together! we went to the beach, for a picnic, and he brought a little basket especially for collecting seashells. ... and when we got home, he bought a picture frame and pasted the shells on the front, placing a picture of the two of us inside. he is so sweet!
page five: my new haircut is horrible, horrible, horrible! he wants to come over tonight, but how can i let him see me? ...he came with pretty barrettes and box of hair dye, and together, we laughed and washed my hair in the big bathtub. i kept blinking and he swept the water drips off my face. it was so much fun!
page eight: meeting the family was wonderful! his little sister immediately wanted everything to do with me. his father kept nudging him, making me giggle. his mother was loving and baking and open- expressing how pleased she was that her son found such a talented and lovely girl. this could be it!

back to reality. the train stopped and he got up, making eye contact with no one. she jumped off behind him, rehearsing different lines in her head... should i fall and see if he helps me? ask directions? just introduce myself?
a woman walked his way. no, no, no. there's no way... he can't have a... he waved to the woman. she tossed her long blond hair and they kissed, a flash of a diamond taunting from her hand.

#72

they aren't asking for much, really. the most they want out of life is just to feel a little less shitty than they do at present.
they sit, content with box wine and cheap beer, under yellow proch lights, filtering itself on long brown branches that used to be tall brown trees.
as children, they climbed them and sat, watching and pretending, imagining discoveries.
now they climb and sit- only now we carry heavier limbs; tired imaginations, ruined by the stark and barren miles behind.
sitting on the porch, waiting for inhibitions to disappear, along with boxed wine and cheap beer.