#207

she admired the plaques on the wall and medals hanging from striped and faded ribbons. each one had a story and he felt equally proud and uneasy relaying events to her, trying to make her understand the feeling in the pit of his stomach before a race, like a fist inside of him, growing and sending shivers and cold through his body, from the inside out, down to his toes, out through his fingertips. how even his jaw clenched and his heart beat faster waiting for the gun than during the run. studying a photo, he wondered what her thoughts were... maybe surprised at how dark his hair was, how twenty-five years can turn a runner's lean and muscular frame into a film critic's body.
he wondered if her respect and admiration for him today was contingent on his former glories. it's easy to be brilliant in the past.

#206

it's near the back of the store, not really "tucked" into anywhere, but set back behind all the innocent bottles. aspirin, allergy medicine, cough drops. behind all that is a line of women and men and they all look tired, but in different ways, and his mind raced, "who here is scared?" some approach the counter with a bit of hesitation. you can tell who has been coming here for years. you can see who is grasping their doctor's note in a white knuckled hand like a first time traveler clutching a brand new passport.
the pharmacist is bored, checking her hair for split ends and waiting for the credit card machine to run.
he steps up when she asks can she help whoever is next and she cracks her gum but doesn't flinch at what his card says. he wants to tell her how a neighbor man taught him to ride a bike when he was ten. he wants to tell her how he doesn't mind this abnormally hot summer so much. he wants to ask her who she would visit first, if the words on that paper belonged to her.

#205

the struggle between mystery and honesty has never been an easy line to balance. and i've never been such an easy target as now, mystery lying outside these four walls and all across the floor. truth running in a jagged scar up my thigh... is it not what you expected?
our first meeting you complimented my name, "so beautiful" as if i had achieved it. as if it were my choice. did i tell you my namesake is dead or that i never knew her? it is apparent now that her name did not bring with it her long brown hair and quiet poise. or is she more beautiful in death?
my mother's favorite child is my brother, and he looks nothing like my father.
mystery is lying all around us, and the only honesty i know to give is lost in your brilliant mind. you read into me the way your first-year poetics teacher taught you to read rilke and proust and balzac.
and still today you are no more ready for me than you were for them.

#204

it stared back at him, a grainy black and white, an obvious shaded corner from a haphazard finger covering the lens. a moment in life that felt like many incarnations ago.
he set it on the bare table, not taking his fingertips or eyes away. relationship without ego meant nothing to him then. there was no universal community. despite the ornate pagoda, her young smile remained the focal point of the picture. her insecurities the focal point of his youth. he'd been too brash, too arrogant, too hard. remembering the slow fade of life from her eyes, he quickly turned the photo facedown.
maybe if he'd learned to write a poem, or at least read her one. maybe if he'd taken any time to notice that no one withstand one-way love. maybe if she'd seen a glimmer of selflessness.
love is wasted on youth, and youth is wasted in ungratefulness and uncertainty.
a horn blew to signal dinner. sliding the picture into his antaravasaka, he prayed as always, for her next life, for her forgiveness. one day, peace would come.

#203

his eyes scan the room, looking for something to strike inspiration. finger-picking a light brown guitar with the typical darker brown trim, a musician sings about the death of his best friend. he wonders briefly if how many lyrics are autobiographical. a girl in the corner, attentive through the whole performance, begins to fidget. leading into the second chorus, she takes a quick swipe at her eye, squirms out of her seat and heads towards the bathroom.
a worker with dyed black hair comes from the back room with his jacket. Black Hair Skinny Jeans looks like he's in quite a rush- to a date, maybe with a girl, a guitar, or a courtroom. the couple in the corner smile at each other over the tops of steaming mocha, exchanging looks that can only mean their love is one that "no one else would understand".
he takes out his notebook and pretends to write, wondering if anyone is watching him back.

#202

every day for a week now, he'd watched her ride her bike to the house across the street. across the street, one over. the gray stone one to the left with the high arched doorways and shuttered windows. sundress floating in the breeze, pale ankles pointing and flexing with the rotation of the pedals. every day, bright shorts peeking out where her skirt flew too high and he wondered if that was just for the bike ride or if they were ever-present. mowing the yard, drinking smoothies on a coffee shop patio.
the neighbors were on vacation, but if they wanted to keep it a secret, they shouldn't have hired such an intriguing house-sitter.
he didn't know how much time was left, how long their cruise, flight, visit would last. already he was running out of ideas for ways to talk to her. leave an african violet on the doorstep? she seemed like the kind of girl who would like that, the mystery of it, a plant that is watered from the bottom up.

seventy

He coughed, near a century of breathing more smoke than wisdom, and drinking more gin than joy. "Everyone gets mad when you show them the gun but never fire it. I've found that, in the beginning, it's best not to bring it up at all."